Life.
How it's never just one or the other. Always something.
For example, here's a good picture of a good day, Summer of 2014. Jaydee boo and Anna poo, out on the back porch. We had just gotten Tootsie, a few weeks before. She was little skitish and very skinny. Oh...look...there's little Paco, sitting in the middle.
Just part of the stories we tell.
For me, the comments are the heart of the articles or the blogs, where all the good conversations take place. That picture, that summer brings back so many memories, good and bad. That was the summer we rescued Tootsie from the fat man. A friend of the Grizzly Bear (what I call my husband online) had bought this young dog at the flea market. They said she was a farm dog, but I'm not so sure. The fat man only had one leg, and Tootsie knocked him over first thing. He put her on a long line tied to a tree, with a rain barrel for a shelter and fed her very well. He did try, but oh my you could tell she was lonesome and scared out there, by herself. She had a ball she would toss to anybody that walked by, but you couldn't get too close, she'd jump on you. That dog needed somebody to love.
ReplyDeleteMy little Anna turned 15 that summer, and she needed somebody to love too. The summer of 'Grandma's magical back yard', is what Jayden called it at that time. We had a fish pond, and a wading pool and a campfire, and the old rental house was still in fairly good shape, lots of room to play and explore.
My oldest son, AJ has always been a big part of our lives, with his time and the way he can make anything fun, good with dogs and children, loves to fish. Musical and artistic.
Yet he had started drinking pretty heavy a few years before, and when he does, his whole personality changes. He's dangerous.
We all saw it coming but could not do a thing to stop it. We tried. Finally, at the beginning of that summer of this picture, I told him that I was taking a break. I didn't want to see him, or talk to him for at least 3 months, to get sober and get help or don't come around.
Anna's heart is so full of love, it about broke her, but I had to do it. We all missed AJ very much.
Two months had gone by, and GB worked out a deal with his friend to bring Tootsie home to Anna, for her birthday.
That morning, I decided to text AJ, and ask him if he wanted to come over. I got a text back, from his girlfriend, telling me that he had been arrested, just a few hours before and it was all my fault for 'abandoning' him. ...oh my ...
This was not the first time, and not the last time either.
January 4th, 2019
ReplyDeleteMy last letter to aunt Carol. We've been writing back and forth almost every day, for the past 20 years.
Writing stuff down, reviewing the past year.
Maybe you'll read it, and maybe you won't. I think you're sleeping a bit more, and that's okay too.
This past year has been a rough one. Understatement.
Taking care of elderly sick people, you with Joe, us with Mamaw. And both of us having children in jail last year, well...towards the end of last year? Sort of losing track of time, here. Seems like it all started with the hurricane there, and the eclipse here. That's been a year and a half ago...
...and then, Val being so sick. That was scary.
JB dying about this time, last year.
Making our plans for a big trip, with all that money...*deep sighs* You were going to be RICH! Dang. I was so happy for you, and then ...What? Having to spend $10, 000 in one month?
Crazy time, for sure. You handled that, so well. For so long...
That would have been so fun!
I think we both sort of fell apart when that dream died.
Slowly picking up the pieces, I guess.
We'll be okay. I know I will, and I have faith you will too. It's what we do.
Coffee's good this morning, I'm up early with the dogS. Mostly Tootsie, she's still so nervous when it rains.
Rain, rain, rain...and more rain, these past few weeks. The ground is so soggy and slippery, my fish pond is filled to the top and over flowing.
Tilly ran away TWICE yesterday. It's been ten days now, and she's still pooping in the house. I can't catch her in the act. So frustrating.
Other then that, she's a pretty sweet baby. Just gotta keep an eye on her. She likes to chew. Her one very good quality, is she takes naps good. She's a snuggle bunny, and nice and warm.
Let's see...what else for the year in review? My laundromat job, that's a good thing. I'm still not real comfortable there, but not bad. Once I get there, it's okay, even somewhat enjoyable. I like making a bit of money, finding spare change is fun. Having to take a shower and get out of the house, and out of my head for a couple days a week, I needed it. Prayed for it, and promised the universe, I'd do as good a job as I could, for as long as I could. I think, I'm doing okay.
I worry about N'omi and AJ, but trying to let it go. They both texted me, at midnight on New Year's. That was sweet, made me happy they thought of me. I put a few things up on face book, for N'omi to read, but she hasn't left any likes or anything, so I just took them down. Maybe later.
Roy and Anna are doing okay, better than 'okay' really. Staying to themselves, except for a few friends, helping out around the house. Couldn't ask for better company.
Well..., (that's a deep subject!) It's Friday morning, both dogs have been out and had their breakfast. Anna getting ready for the day, Nick gone on some errands. I'm getting ready to head out on my own, and pick up my money, stop by the bank. You know the drill.
Love you! Hope to catch you in chat again, soon! Don't forget to take care of YOU!!! xoxo!!! Yours, Esther
I like to type. I like the sound of the keyboard, making a rhythm out of the tap, tap, tap. I like to think somebody might read me sometime, and really 'get' it, with out me having to say too much. Doesn't work that way, does it? People like specifics, and they like to read about themselves.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was in High School in 1976, one of my close girlfriends gave me a journal for a present, saying something about writing things down so we didn't forget and look forward to catching up with each other sometime in the future.
I wrote in that little book, just about every day. When it filled up, I got another and another, and then went to notebooks. All handwritten, and nothing too personal, mostly just 'this happened and that', until 1999.
Twenty years ago, I got a free aol disc in the mail, and hooked it up.
To be continued...
You know, I've been to al anon meetings, I've read all the books, I've been to counseling a number of times. I've blogged my heart out, at times.
ReplyDeleteMost of them, I have come away feeling like I'm fairly sensible. That's something I'm kinda 'proud' of really, being sensible and pragmatic, but being that way sn't something that keeps your feet warm at night.
I still do not understand how to adjust my attitude, when there is 'crazyness' going on all around me.
I say, okay. You don't have to 'understand', you just 'do it'. You go work on trees, you drink coffee and smoke cigarettes. Think about the good old dayz...
...well....hum...almost a month has gone by since that last entry, and so many deletes, never to be thought about or read again. Except!
ReplyDeleteExcept, when I sit down to read and start thinking. Stinking thinking is what they call it in the anonymous groups. Except, it's not so anonymous anymore.
ReplyDelete...and, here it is 5 days after our trip down to Florida to say good bye to my aunt Carol, and my son has landed himself in jail, again. I do not know the details yet. Got the text from his girlfriend, on his phone about one o'clock this morning. I'm sad, but not surprised. It's been a pattern now, for ...oh...over 10 years? yeh *deep sighs*
ReplyDeleteps. I don't drink...
ReplyDeleteI used to, drink. Had fun, too. But, I quit a few years ago. Had my last mixed drink with Naomi, on the 4th of July ...2012 or 2014? I can't remember now, I'll have to look it up.
ReplyDeleteWhen Naomi was little, I was still driving up to North Dakota every few months, and the folks would babysit and I'd go out with my girl friends and tie one on. I'd be so sick the next day!
Naomi can tell you, that's some of our 'funny' stories, her momma's epic hangovers.
Yardwork, I like drinking beer mixed with tomato juice, and a dash of pepper.
I used to be in pretty good physical shape. My yards were looking good, for a few years there.
When Roy and Anna were very young, toddlers, and Nick was out of town so often, I'd nurse a Mimosa about all day long. Never got 'sloppy', but chatted on the internet a lot. It felt like I was getting out.
Naomi would stop by every now and again, this was back when she was being a wild child, and back and forth between me and momma D, and a few boyfriends.
I did go visit Aunt Carol back then. Thought I might stay...
...and now, I've shared the link to this blog with some of my family, and I remember who I was raised by.
shhhh....
ReplyDeleteLooking at this picture of Anna and Jayden out on the back porch, thinking of the last few months, how this tension in the air has been building, for years and years and years and reading back on old letters to my aunt Carol, and she's not there....don't cry, Esther. Don't cry!
ReplyDelete... and now AJ is back in the system, they'll be reading along on the jail email, looking for key words. I haven't set up our account yet, I get paid today. I feel so numb...
Pinging my phone.
One time a long time ago, we had a helper that the bounty officers found that way, came here in the middle of the night, banging on the door. Who else in this family has stories like these?
We try to keep most of them on the down low, for Jayden's sake, I guess. I never did for N'omi AJ Roy or Anna. All those funny spy stories we used to tell, me and aunt Carol and then they came true.
Not really. This here lately is all mundane stuff, alcohol abuse, and domestic violence, no espionage. Pretty boring, actually...
It's almost 9:30, time to get offline. yeh, I'm discombobulated. Who wouldn't be? bbl...
...5 days later...
ReplyDeleteedit edit
Not 'depressed', but very sad.
First off, there's my aunt Carol. What beautiful pictures on the face book this morning.
So sweet, so cuddly. So loving...
Was dreaming about the farm, last night. Nothing in particular, just there...
8:45 am
Just spent my 15 minutes writing to my son, with the jail atm. He gets to stand at the kiosk, certain times of the day, for 15 minutes to read and write. We tell about our day. No 'deep thoughts', not enough time for that.
Time is on my mind. BBL